Psithief 2011/07/08(Fri)03:35 No. 323482 ID: 3bad4c
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Step 1: Build your character!
Step 2: Suggest actions!
Step 3: Achieve a bad end!
Step 4: Start the next round! (Repeat steps 1-3)

Let's get started. Our first victim has....
SEX?
RACE?
SKILLS? (Pick two - e.g. warrior/warrior, arcanist/psionicist, rogue/soulshaper)
BACKGROUND?
STARTING AREA?

M
PIXIE
DOUBLE ARCANE
HAPPY
TERRIBLE

Unfortunately, the FEY type is currently LOCKED.

Earn enough BAD END POINTS to UNLOCK they FEY TYPE.

[Additionally Fey is barred from Arcane, as are the Aberration, Outsider, Plant, Ooze and Construct types]

Hermaphrodite
Half-elf, Quarter-goblin, Fifth-human, Twenty-fifth-dragon, Hundredth-slime
Soulshaper, other
Happy
Terrible

Male, Elf, Priest-Thief, Sad Background, Peaceful Area

Former M, now a eunuch.
Human.
Skill: Psionicist warrior
Background: Horrible, a eunuch slave soldier for an evil empire, taken at a young age and having witnessed the death of his family.
Hostile start area. It's a fucking warzone.

Sex: F
Race: Shadar Kai
Job: Arcanist
Background: Horrible
Start: Hostile

Partial Decision Psithief 2011/07/08(Fri)05:37 No. 323531 ID: 3bad4c
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Sex is Male!
Background is "Partially Happy, Partially Horrible"
Starting Area is Hostile!

To be decided:
RACE! [No consensus]
SKILLS! [No consensus]

Pixies/Shadar Kai are FEY type, which is LOCKED.

Humans, Elves, Dwarves, Gnomes, Halflings, Half-Elves are HUMANOID type, which is AVAILABLE.

>>323531
Human Psi Warrior then

>>323531
Human psi warrior. Should still be a eunuch though.

>>323537
NO EUNUCHS. Do you know how MANY bad ends that eliminates on its' own?

I think the earliest a psionicist can regrow his own balls is level 9.

>>323539
But it opens up for an entire new amount of bad ends. Like having to guard a Harem and he's got no junk!

Our first victim is a Male Human Psi/Warrior.

What is his name? (20 characters max. please)

>>323541
But he has no BALLS either, so he won't feel anything! Except perhaps depression.

>>323546
Chuck L. Hed

Red the Red

>>323546
Bane Decimus

>>323547
That and frustration over the fact that he should be able to feel something. He will have to stand guard and be mocked for his inablity for the rest of his life.

>>323546
Abed.

*beep boop beep*

  >>323555
Here ya go.

Round 1 START Psithief 2011/07/08(Fri)07:28 No. 323571 ID: 3bad4c
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Abed Decimed the Red apologises for being poorly drawn.
He is at the doctor's office, and has just been informed he has testicular cancer.

His doctor is advising him to have them removed.
What should he do?

Abed is a Warrior [Warblade] / Psion [Egoist].
He has the power to:
* minor shapechange [no ability changes; +30 or -30cm in height, +50 or -50kg in _apparent_ mass, possible sex change]
* kill things with his sword

>>323571
Shapeshift his testicles into a different but similar set of testicles not afflicted with cancer. Keep them that way.

off with them.

Kill self.

There you go, bad end in one turn.

>>323571
Ask if there is an alternate way, like maybe shapechange out the cancer of the balls. If that's not possible then take it like a man and say good bye to your little friends. Then go to a blacksmith and get new balls made, out of steel.

Go on a quest to find the magical wizard Elcatnet Retsnom, ask him to heal you.

Or rather, PERFORM THE SURGERY ON YOURSELF AT HOME. WITH A SWORD.

have q do the next update

Psithief 2011/07/08(Fri)07:48 No. 323579 ID: 3bad4c
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Abed doesn't think that killing himself is a good idea. That wouldn't be worth any points.
Wait..what points?
It doesn't seem possible to get rid of the cancer through shapeshifting. Presumably if he shapeshifted
into a woman it would become ovarian cancer.

Abed knows that there are such things as priests that could rid him of his disease with magic.
Did he mention his country was under attack by dragons?
Well, he's mentioning it now.

The doctor doesn't seem to notice the sounds of screaming and destruction from outside.
So, surgery or find a priest? Or something else?

>>323579
Ask how common those healing priests are. If they're rare as fuck then it's chop chop time.

This is my feeling too.

STAB THE DOCTOR. STAB HIM TO DEATH.

Psithief 2011/07/08(Fri)08:07 No. 323585 ID: 3bad4c
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Abed knows that while very uncommon, priests exist and are local. Unfortunately, to cope with the very high demand for their services, they are known to charge a lot of money for these miracle cures.
Currently, Abed only has 5 gold pieces, and would need 150 to pay for an instant cure.
His doctor, on the other hand, is willing to do the surgery for free. Abed is very happy to have the doctor waive the fee for old time's sake.
(Abed and the doctor's sister were a couple for a time. She got pregnant, and then they split up. Last he heard, she was running a lucrative door-to-door business. Abed didn't know door-to-door saleswomen were the world's oldest professionals.)

>>323585
Well how much do you get for fucking up a dragon? Because if you get enough cash for it then it's time for some motherfucking dragon slaying!

>>323585
YOURSISTERISAWHORE

Anyway, you should TOTALLY trust the Doctor. DO IT.

>>323585
Have the doctor chop off your balls.

Paused Psithief 2011/07/08(Fri)09:21 No. 323599 ID: 3bad4c
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>>323590

Wait wait wait..she's a whore now!? Of course! World's oldest pro..
Oh DAMN.
He wants to cut my BALLS OFF BECAUSE HE HATES ME!

You BASTARD!

>>323584

*STAB!*

He looks surprised.

Oh crap. I killed my doctor, and I might still have cancer! What do I do?

>>323599
The time honored tradition of adventures everywhere. Loot the body.

OBTAIN HIS SWEET LOOT.

Eat the body to hide the evidence! Or just, y'know, kick it under the table.

And cancer is really bad. Maybe you should try to figure out which of your balls it's in and cut that off yourself. You've got everything you need for surgery right there, it's a doctor's office! And you're a warrior, you don't need anesthesia! Nor do you even need balls, it just means no more accidental pregnancy!

>>323599
Steal all of his cash and valuables that can be easily fenced. Then it's time to go slay that dragon in an epic fashion. Oh, also change your height, weight and face before exiting this place, have to throw off any potential witnesses.

Anyway, kill dragon, obtain sweet loots and a boost in reputation. Go to healer priest and get cancer in balls fixed. The dragon is right there so it's not like you need to hunt after it.

>>323605

actually, he won't be able to get it up without balls.

fuck it. loot his shit. did he have and documents about you? take them with you.

>>323616
>actually, he won't be able to get it up without balls.
Not strictly true. Sometimes even after having the testicles severed men remain capable of erection.

But that is not terribly important.

>>323585
>Unfortunately, to cope with the very high demand for their services, they are known to charge a lot of money for these miracle cures.
Are these priests also capable of miracle blasting? Or inflicting horrible curses, or anything of the sort? Because if not, the time-honored tradition of "force him to heal you for free with a sword to his throat" could be the solution to all your problems.

Oh shit! You killed an innocent man for no reason!

MY GOD! As penance, you must kill the dragon! QUICK, OR THEY'LL SAY YOU'RE A MURDERER!

Psithief 2011/07/08(Fri)17:58 No. 323832 ID: 3bad4c
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>>323602
>>323604
>>323616
Done!
Twelve pieces of gold, one healer's kit (masterwork) and one set of patient notes.
Wait, this is just doodles of laughing faces.

>>323741
Yeah, the priests capable of curing disease are just as capable at removing life. Abed would have to be some kind of infamous villain to successfully intimidate a priest of that calibre.

>>323773
'Oh crap, I'm a murderer! Dragon..'
'I can't see the dragon anymore. Everything is on fire..'
Abed quickly forms an idea!

'It looks like his secretary left early today. That's good.'

>>323832

you're already a murderer. you just gotta convince them to heal you before you pay them, and after the cancer is gone, you'll just do what murderers are wont to do.

on that note, upgrade your CHA.

Abed is not sure where to go now.

Into town? (It's on fire)
Out of town? (Less on fire)

Into town!

>>323832
Follow the trail of tears and fire to the dragon, then slay the beast. Or possibly lay it if it's a hot female dragon.

>>323848

a sound plan.

RUN INTO A BURNING BUILDING! SAVE THE ORPHANS WITH YOUR TEETH!

Psithief 2011/07/08(Fri)20:29 No. 323905 ID: 3bad4c
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>>323846
Abed walks into town.
The smoke is unpleasant.
He can hear the screams as people are burnt alive while trapped in their homes.

He turns towards the screaming, prepared to help.

Then there's a low rumbling sound from in front of him.
Out of the smoke, a (very) large dragon head appears.
Uhm...?

>>323905
Shapechange into small dragon. Meowl pitifully.

Abed can't shapechange into a dragon of any size until level 7 at the earliest.

Meowl anyway?

Yes.

Anonymous 2011/07/08(Fri)20:42 No. 323912 ID: 378220
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>>323909
NOPE. CLEAVE AND SMITE.

>>323905
1. Keep advancing
2. Shield up in case it tries to roast you
3. Immediately whip out that bow and shoot it in the eyes
4. Finish up with your sword, try to avoid being bitten in half

Use Psionic powers to control/seduce dragon. It is female right? Right?

Use upgrade point on dragon

Shapechange dragon into kitten
Meowl

>>323915
Seduce dragon, hope it's female.

KILL IT WITH SWORD!

1/2 Psithief 2011/07/08(Fri)22:22 No. 323993 ID: 3bad4c
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>>323921
(Upgrade points are for upgrading the next character - higher levels, advanced races, artefacts of power, that kind of thing)

>>323922
Abed's level 1 minor shapechange only works on Abed, and he still has to look humanoid. He could maybe impersonate an elf, or half-dragon humanoid, or something like that.

>>323915
Abed has NO idea the sex of the dragon. Dragons don't have tits.


>>323912
>>323914
Sounds like a good plan B.
Hopefully plan A will be enough to confuse the dragon!

Abed enacts plan A.
* Manifests 'Conceal Thoughts' +10 Bluff
* Says to dragon 'Wow, you're beautiful. Hey, I'm a shapechanger, I can look like anything roughly human. What do you say me and you go someplace *cough* not as full of smoke? Meow!'
* Waits for inevitable death.

2/2 Psithief 2011/07/08(Fri)22:23 No. 323994 ID: 3bad4c
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(Some time later)
+5 upgrade points.
'Haaa...'
Not a female dragon.
'That.. was the best experience of my life. And now he's licking me.'
"Hee.. do you know you're really good at this?" Abed asks the dragon.
>"No, not really. I don't usually play with my food."

'Oh crap.'
Abed makes a Knowledge (arcana) check: Red dragons' favourite food is young humans and elves.

>>323994
Convince dragon you'll help it get a steady supply of food in exchange for being its mate. Or love slave.

There are always criminals in need of execution, after all. Besides, does he really want to eat something he put his dick in?

>>324001
Yeah go with this. Plan B can be turning into a dwarf or something. By the way how much is dragon semen worth?

Shapeshift into something that he wouldn't want to eat. Like an orc, perhaps. Or an ent. Or something.

THEN bargain with the dragon.

shapeshift into a really old-looking human

like

decrepit

Psithief 2011/07/09(Sat)01:03 No. 324058 ID: 3bad4c
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>>324001
Well, as fun as being its 'love' slave would probably be, Abed can't think of a way that h-SHE would be better at finding humanoids for the dragon to eat that he could be.

>>324009
Oh.. Abed doesn't know. There sure is a lot of it around though.

>>324009
>>324019
>>324044
Yeah, plan B sounds like a better one this time.
Abed uses minor shapechange! Form of an ugly man-orc!
Hnnng!
Hnnnnnng!
It's not working.

Form of an ugly she-orc?
Hnnng.. that worked!

There's only one reason she can't turn back..
"Don't eat me, I'm pregnant with your child."
>"What.. DAMN."
"You're not going to eat me?"
>"I'm not going to eat you. I suppose you'll have to stay here as I've burnt your home to ash. Do you like elf meat?"
Abed doesn't think she likes elf meat..
What should Abed do?

>>324058
Ask what form he would find the most appealing to lay with but least appealing to eat, then take that form.

What, you want to get away? You think you can escape a dragon once he's caught your scent? You think he would let the creature bearing his offspring escape?

Get used to eating elf and human meat, since you're going to spend the rest of your life as his incubator and sex slave. Maybe if your prayers are heard and you behave yourself he'll become attached to you, and won't eat you the moment his child is born.
He probably won't kill you until you birth his child, but don't delude yourself into thinking that fleeing or defying his will is anything but a delayed death sentence.

>>324058
Umm... how about you just say you'll hunt your own food? You can kill things with your sword, after all.

(man, are we just really good at not getting a bad end? I thought we'd be dead by now!)

Use sword on limp dragon penis. Its weak spot is exposed, you can get away while it writhes in agony!

>>324062
Since the point of it is getting a bad end, I think we're really bad at getting a bad end.

I think we should at least TRY Elf meat. Can't be sure whether or not we like it until we've tasted it.

>>324058
Tell the dragon that you can get your own food if given funds, and also some nice stuff for a coming baby.

If the dragon buys it then get enough cash for an abortive and a heal from a priest. Then get out of here and get away. If dragon follows then it's a fight to the death.

>>324062

you're thinking too small. we obviously need to achieve bad end by conquering the world by manipulating our new draconic master.

I agree that you should try to eat elf.

Maybe he'll get Kuru and FINALLY DIE. Cuz seriously Psithief, you made him REALLY COMPETENT, even if he is outrageously impulsive

1/2 Psithief 2011/07/09(Sat)05:19 No. 324092 ID: 3bad4c
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>>324067
That was a tongue dripping with saliva, so it's not as much of a weak point.

'Where is the sword?' Abed wonders, as she looks around the dragon's lair.
There seems to be quite a few swords in the dragon's hoard.

The dragon has left its lair to get me some food.
'I'm alone with his treasure, but the nearest exit is high above my head.'
'Oh, and there's a lake of lava between me and it.'

Abed searches through the dragon's hoard looking for useful items and clothing.
It's a well-known fact that dragons will hoard anything of value, regardless of their ability to use it.

>>324084
Abed thinks the dragon is either going to keep her, or eat her, but doesn't think it's going to let her just go.
Items found:
• Sword, probably magic. Oh wow, that's really cold.
• Cloak. Maybe magic?
• A few potions
• Chain shirt, maybe magic.
Everything else is coins and other loot.

The dragon is still away, so Abed searches the cave thoroughly for another exit. Unfortunately, Abed would have to be extraordinarily good at climbing to get out. It looks like the only way out is to get the dragon's trust, or have treasure hunters get her out. Abed really really hopes she's not addicted to really great dragon sex by then.

He returns, dropping to the platform with the hoard. He drops some partially mangled corpses, and starts snacking on one.
They appear to be elves, one still has a bow in his hand.
>>324086
>>324061
Here goes.. [Fortitude save success] 'Ugh..raw! But it's this or starve.'

2 weeks pass.

(>>324088
Sorry, warblade//egoist is my favourite v3.5 gestalt. They're super powerful and awesome!
Also I'm rolling dice behind the scenes, and they keep coming up with high numbers.)

>>324092
There's a lake of lava. Just use the sword to hold some meat out over it and let convection cook it for you.

Sword may have some sort of freezing enchant, I think using it to cook may lead to something bad but eh I'll second it. We ARE supposed to get to the bad end.

STAB THE LAVA WITH YE SWORD.

>>324092
>There seems to be quite a few swords in the dragon's hoard.

Pretty sure they aren't all magic.

>>324097
actually this is worth a shot, see if we can solidify patches of lava using that freezing sword

Also, when this plan inevitably falls through, ask the Dragon to cure your cancer.

and when we eventually give birth make sure it is properly baptized

in the lava

Ah, but Red Dragons are IMMUNE to fire, so it wouldn't die.

>>324103
that's why it's a baptism, not a murder...ism.

I'm pretty much just thinking about goofy things we could do. I wonder if we should do some kind of check just to make sure we haven't gotten addicted to dragon sex in the past two weeks, like Abed was worried about.

>>324101
You mean the cancer diagnosed by a doctor who hated the fuck out of him?
The doctor whose patient notes were just gloating scribbles?
The doctor who probably just wanted to chop his balls off?
That cancer?

Yea, I don't think we should waste our time asking about it.

>>324100
>use convection from lava to cook food
>ignore convection and try to make flimsy rock bridge that would quickly melt and sink

That's a stupid way to die. No style or substance.

welp, if you weren't pregnant before the two weeks of dragon sex, you probably are now.

>>324092
Tell him you're hungry again, then prepare for a trap while he's out. You can transform into a monkey or something that is great at climbing and prepare one at the entry point. Then when he comes in again, bam! trap triggers and you jump down from above, grab a hold and then kill his scaley ass.

>>324106
What part of BAD end quest did you not get!?

WHY DID YOU THINK I SUGGESTED THAT!?

And asking a DRAGON to HEAL you would probably result in SOMETHING happening...

2/2 Psithief 2011/07/09(Sat)07:20 No. 324110 ID: 3bad4c
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[Will save success] Abed is not yet addicted..
>>324062
>>324084
Abed finally managed to convince the dragon she wasn't going to run away. She's been allowed out to hunt for her own food.
[Survival check failure] She doesn't know how to hunt for food in the middle of a forest wilderness.
[Survival check failure] She also doesn't know the way to the nearest civilisation.
Perhaps she can instead find a cave or underground tunnel system to escape the dragon?
Or should she try to kill some monsters (if there are any) in the forest? That way she will become more powerful, and have an easier time escaping the dragon later, as long as she can resist his lure, that is.

>>324110
We don't know how to hunt... but can we scavenge? Alternatively, can we find edible plants?

Not supporting killing monsters; I (only kind of) want to hold off dying until the inevitably horrible birth.

>>324114
Dude, he failed BOTH survival checks. I think we're lucky this isn't MORDOR. Let's go find a monster! And return before the dragon gets back, and we die of Kuru from eating all those elves.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kuru_%28disease%29

>>324110
If you can't hunt game, then try foraging.
If you can't do that, then shapechange into a werewolf and try to sniff out game.
If that fails, then shift into a harpy or other flying hominid so you can get up high and look for civilization.

Alternatively? Go ahead and hunt some monsters. Maybe you'll get lucky and kill something edible.

The dragon let you out to hunt, but you're intelligent enough to know that it's keeping a close eye on you. If you try to flee you'll never be allowed outside again.
You want him to trust you to the point where he lets you come and go freely, and from there to the point that he wouldn't worry if you spend the occasional night outside.
Rushing will doom you, so take a few months to convince the dragon you've fallen in love with him.

>>324116
This actually makes a hell of a lotta sense. And to be honest, I don't think shapeshifters can GET Kuru, as the Prions would be incompatible with the new proteins. Or some shit.

Let's do this plan!

>>324117
Kuru also incubates for 5-20 years before symptoms manifest, and from that point it takes about a year to die.
Also, you can only catch it from people who have it. I'm pretty sure Elf adventurers don't have a reputation for eating people.

>>324118
Hmmmm... I'm not sure which elves exist here. So I'm going to assume they are cannibals. OH WELL.

S/he does not have Kuru. It's only found in humans, not pussy elves. Now it's time to become more powerful. KILLING SPREE.